I wake up at the beginning of the week and I'm always confused as to what I'm suppose to do. I have chores to finish, letters to write, presents to create and lots and lots of mini projects to sort through and complete. I post to facebook. I answer e-mail. Check the snail mail and wander around basically in a fog. I play with my dog. I read all sorts of stuff. I usually have a movie playing or some show on tv I like as background noise. I text a million people, sing a few songs, write a little music on my guitar or computer, write some poetry and all in all it seems like I never get anything accomplished. Then I get bored. Cause ALL of that takes me about 3 hours and then i have the rest of each day to figure out what to do next.
If I had had my choice my life would have turned out quite differently, but before I was old enough to make those decisions for myself, some were made for me. I grew a thick skin as a result and maybe that is why God allowed such things to occur. I mean who asks to have your dreams handed to you. Along with a set of regulations you have to follow just to get out of bed. A little background if you will permit me to go on a bit...
I wanted to be a swimmer. I was always very active in sports and excelled in all of them. I wanted to be in the Olympics and I was on my way by being on the adult swim team at the Y, till my Brother and Sister were adopted. Who knew at the time what all that would entail. Had my parents not adopted them i'm sure they would have been dead in a year or two. They were nearly 2 years old and almost dead then. Together they didn't weigh 20 pounds soaking wet. Undernourished, riddled with issues and who knows what the people who had them before us did to them because they were WILD. They did some crazy things like trying to eat scalding hot food and would scream and cry if you tried to make them wait even just enough to cool it down with your breath. (I don't think my Mom knows I remember all this). So tiny and fragile they looked, but tough as an old piece of leather. They did some crazy crazy things and scared the crap out of me. I ended up living with my Grams for a year just so my parents could figure out how to manage them. None of this was their fault. I shall give you some history.
They were born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Underweight and premature the doctors didn't even know their mother was pregnant with twins and almost missed my sister. If I remember correctly Rikki was about 4 lbs and my sister around 2 and a half. As they got a bit older it was discovered that they were both ADHD and slow learners, but they were gifted in other ways and figured out how to get around that. My brother has Tourettes and my sister, well she's my sister. My brother is an addict. My sister doesn't know how to live alone. I don't feel sorry for either of them though because they always manage. Of that I'm proud of them. I should probably tell them both that more often, but I don't and that's my problem. Not theirs.
I resented them both for years and years and years. I felt they stole away some of my chances and to an extent my parents. What money had gone into my sports and academia was now split with them and doctors visits, medications and a whole host of other things I won't even get into because it's not important. What is important is what happened this last year.
My sister and I had a bit of a falling out. It lasted oh, maybe a month or so. Then she said something to me that changed everything. She said she was sorry they stole my life from me. In the few seconds after she said that to me my entire view of all of it changed. They didn't steal a damn thing from me. And I was selfish to blame them. Sure things changed forever, but what if my parents had not adopted them? They asked me if I was okay with it and I said I was. I helped make that decision and the day my parents went to court to find out if they could or not I waited patiently at school that day. Excited. Scared. Thrilled. Terrified. Conflicted. Hopeful. In my mind I wouldn't be alone anymore. I was only about 8 and I had no clue what was coming. I knew I loved them. I didn't know later I would hate them.
Yeah, I said it. I hated them. My entire life turned upside down. Little did I know this was God's plan all along. I had had it so easy. Born healthy. Adopted by a loving, strong and close knit family. We weren't rich, but I wanted for nothing. My family stood behind me. Taught me morals and ethics, right from wrong, taught me a faith that has endured through my darkest moments. How could I see all that back then though? I was just a kid. What I had to do then was create my own world and succeed on my own. My parents had their hands full and I know for a fact that my Mom nearly lost her mind with everything that went on through those developmental years. Sure other bad things happened to me, but that stuff is not the purpose of this writing. I blamed my siblings. That was wrong and I know that now.
I'm closer to both of them now than I have ever been in my life. I don't always agree with their actions now, but they don't always agree with mine. They have ALWAYS loved me though. That should have been enough when I was a kid, but I was dumb and selfish. I'm not anymore. Between the two of them I have 5 of the most beautiful nieces in the world. My brother is still very hard to handle, but I love him and he doesn't bother me. My sister, well she's her own person and though I cannot be supportive in everything she DOES. I can support her in who she IS.
I wish I could go back sometimes and change some of my behaviors towards them when we were kids, but it's an empty wish. I believe it is the realizations I have now that change the future. Were it not for them I wouldn't have tried out so many different things to find my niche in life. I still haven't figured everything out and I hope I never do. The future has so many more possibilities if I don't close any doors. SO I leave a few open and I stay confused, but I have so much I can do. What I'm learning now is how to manage my time wisely to accomplish the most that I can and though i fail or fall or quit some things I look at my siblings and at what people thought were disadvantages and I see how they have overcome to the best of their abilities. Yes, my siblings have taught me more than I ever thought they could. I love them. I appreciate them and I miss them.